Sunshine

so, there is nowhere to lay out and tan here...cause i'm nowhere near a pool and am not about to brave the sound in a bathingsuit on a nice day in seattle. because i'm loving the sunshine and am desperate for color before the summer, i've been laying out in front of my apt building on the grass. it's amazing how many people walk by our building. i've not noticed before. haha. most of the time, i don't even see them till they've passed. jack johnson playing on my ipod and the bright sun keeping my eyes closed makes it really easy to forget that i'm laying on the grass in a bathingsuit. i figure if anyone asks, all i have to do is say, "i'm from california". i think it explains everything. wonderful sunny days are not common here like they are back home- i want to soak them in! i've gone to the gym every day this week. :) determined to be in shape by the end of the summer. so tired of not liking my body. so i figured, it's time to do something about it. :) i'm so so so excited to be home. i leave in one week. i can't wait to be with my "little bean" again. she makes me heart happy. we've made all kinds of plans. i can't wait to start crossing things off our list. :)

San Diego...here we come!

so, due to a turn of events, i will be moving back to san diego in like...2 weeks. dad needs to move early to colorado, so i put in my notice- don't worry, john's doing really well and we're pretty sure they already found someone- and i'll be coming down, asap. i talked to kelby about it yesterday and he's really excited. i told her all about the list i posted on here yesterday- she's a little nervous/excited about the magic mountain idea. :) we'll see. donna's gonna be moving down by the end of june- if she gets a job with the san diego school district- she drives a bus- so i'm praying for that and keeping my fingers crossed! i'm really just feeling blessed and happy all around. i'm sad to leave the people i love up here, but so excited for what's coming. ;) i'll be so happy to have bella back! oh my goodness, how i miss her. i told kel that we're gonna let her have puppies (maybe not this heat cycle, but next) and she was so excited. especially when i told her that she gets to keep one. ryan and amanda get to keep one too. they have been so awesome and kept bella for me the last couple months and have fallen in love with her. this way they will have a little bella of their own. :) anyways, just got back from the gym and must shower and head out to enjoy this beautiful day!!!

my list

this is my kelby list. some of the plans i have for us this summer:
1. teach her to sew
2. take her to baseball games
3. take her to a water park
4. teach her to cook
5. plant a vegetable garden
6. try and work it out so that every week we spend time with aunt debby and family
7. come to seattle to see family.
8. beach and pool
9. scrapbook
10. if she's tall enough...magic mountain

My God is Good to Me

no matter what i go through lately, i am seeing more and more that my God is good to me. :) i came to washington because my life in colorado wasn't working out. time heals all wounds. sometimes distance helps speed along the process. i came here knowing that i wanted my life to change. i was not a happy person. i thought i was. but there was something missing in my heart...God. He was still there, but pushed to the back. as soon as i let go and was willing to let Him take over, it was like a rush of joy just overtook me, and i was more than willing to run with it. this has been one adventure after another. :) i came here with no job and hardly any money and God provided. adam, erin, scott- you guys are incredible. i could never have been here without you.

i'm leaving washington soon, but this chapter in my life has been such a good one. i truly learned. heartbreak can lead to number of things. mine led to a better life. i've been so blessed. i've learned so much about myself. i'm trying to see myself through God's eyes. i like myself more now, and i think that's important. very excited for what's to come.

officially making new bags!

so i made 2 new bags in the last few days. one, i've already sold to laura- as a prototype. i'm selling all my first ones for less so people can tell me what they think. :) here they are. the bottom one i already sold. the other one i'm about to post on etsy and see what happens. :)

Mother's day

so i was looking through "mom stuff" this morning...and i found this note. i love finding stuff with her writing. :)

i wanted to do something fun today- so i decided to make a shirt! here is how it turned out. i didnt have a pattern- yet again. but i grabbed a shirt i liked and tried to copy it best i could. :)

Sunny Seattle

so scott and i just had a fabulous day in seattle. we just kinda hung around the city and had a good time. we went to my favorite place in seattle- i know it's weird cause it's just trees, but it's so pretty. makes me feel like i'm in the country or something. :) then we went to a farmer's market just to look around. we hit up "i love you man" and it was pretty funny. wandered in barnes and noble...which is totally up out alley...and then ended the afternoon with pizza and beer. i'm really gonna miss scott. i love having a twin. makes everything more fun!

this next weekend is gonna be tons of fun. i'll be spending the weekend at adam and erin's house. :) hopefully i'll get to see bella (my puppy) too! she is staying with ryan and amanda black while i work in seattle. :)


right now i'm working as a caregiver for a man with lymphoma. his daughter is coming into town which is why i get to go spend time in poulsbo with adam and the fam...i'm hoping adam and i can finally play zelda. i think now is a good time. the job is going well and if everything goes according to plan will be ending in the beginning of july. john is here to get a bone marrow transplant using his stem cells. tricky i know. :) but we get along really well and he's so nice, so i have no complaints!

Learning Process

so i've just started learning to sew- i mean a learned here and there along the way in life, but only in the last few months have i truly embraced sewing. years ago, before i knew anything about what to do, i decided i wanted to make a quilt. i didn't measure correctly, write things down, work things out mathematically etc...so the quilt i have still not finished is turning out quite hilarious. i didn't want all the work i did years ago to go to waste, so i'm in the process of finishing it, but here is what it is so far. sorry there is only one picture, my camera battery just died. once it's all finished, there will be more pics. :)

May 6th

i've always kinda wanted a blog...i have way too much to say all the time, and find that writing it down helps. :) i used to have xanga (the pre-myspace journal site)- until someone commented that she "lived and breathed off my xanga site". pretty much stopped after that. i was so dedicated to it...hopefully i'll be good about this one. :)

today marks six years since my life changed in many ways. this is the day my family was given the news that my mom had pancreatic cancer and had less than one year to live. even though i've lived through this, i still cannot describe it accurately. there were feelings of sickness, anger, sadness, and physical pain on that day. i had no idea i could cry so much in one day till may 6, 2003.

my mom had always been "the rock" of our family. she was the one with all the answers. so when suddenly we were told she would soon no longer be with us, it was devestating. over the course of the next 4 1/2 months, things got worse and worse until the inevidable. the memories i have during that time are both happy and sad. i got to spend precious time with a woman that showed me on a daily basis what it means to be a woman of God. she had more love in her heart that i have ever seen. i hope to be like her one day. there were also sad days. days i don't usually talk about. i don't really want to today. this day is hard enough without going there.

i was 17 when my mom died. my little sister, kelby- who i adore more than words can express- was 4. it was very hard to know that she would not be blessed to grow up with out mom. in many ways i tried to step in and be that person for her. in most ways it was a very natural transformation for us. we had always been really close. people always told me i would be "missing out" on certain experiences. 2 years ago i moved out of the house so that i could have all those experiences everyone talked about. eh. i hadn't really been missing much. ;) i was happier being there with her.

every year on her birthday, kelby receives cards from mom. when she was sick, she dictated to aunt debby, aunt kathi and myself of what she wanted to write in each card until kelby turns 18. they all went to the store and picked them out together. what an incredible woman.

in 2 months, i'll be moving back home to be kelby's momma once again. i could not be MORE excited. i can't wait to fill the role once again. i want to be an example of a Godly woman to her. i want to be as much like my mom as possible, so that she won't be getting the short end of the stick. "it takes a village to raise a child" is soooo true. i tell ya, if it weren't for the village, kel would not have turned out the same! so many people have stepped up in her life and i am so grateful to them forever. the bryan family in particular always took on a lot with her. i can't wait to spend more time with my aunt debby. she's been the closest thing to a mom i've had in the last 5+ years. i'm excited to have kelby get to know her better and know that she and mom were a lot alike. when i spend the day with aunt debby, suddenly my mom doesn't feel so far away. it's always so nice.

i just started reading "hinds feet on high places" for like the millionth time on sunday. i have not read it since my mom died. my aunt kathi, and maybe my aunt debby too, were reading it to my mom when she was sick. it was her favorite book. they didn't get to finish. it always made me feel sad so i didn't read it again after that. i sifted through my things the other day for it. it's her copy. i think i'm ready now. whenever i think about it, i think about my sister anna. it's something we would do.

i miss my mom every single day. sometimes i just sit and let my heart remember her. i usually cry when i do this, but that's okay. it's not always a sad sobbing cry- sometimes it's just a "fond memory" cry.

i don't wanna go on for too long so i'll keep this at what it is. i'll write more about my life these days in the days to follow, but i want today to stay about mom. sorry if it's all over the place.