May 6th

i've always kinda wanted a blog...i have way too much to say all the time, and find that writing it down helps. :) i used to have xanga (the pre-myspace journal site)- until someone commented that she "lived and breathed off my xanga site". pretty much stopped after that. i was so dedicated to it...hopefully i'll be good about this one. :)

today marks six years since my life changed in many ways. this is the day my family was given the news that my mom had pancreatic cancer and had less than one year to live. even though i've lived through this, i still cannot describe it accurately. there were feelings of sickness, anger, sadness, and physical pain on that day. i had no idea i could cry so much in one day till may 6, 2003.

my mom had always been "the rock" of our family. she was the one with all the answers. so when suddenly we were told she would soon no longer be with us, it was devestating. over the course of the next 4 1/2 months, things got worse and worse until the inevidable. the memories i have during that time are both happy and sad. i got to spend precious time with a woman that showed me on a daily basis what it means to be a woman of God. she had more love in her heart that i have ever seen. i hope to be like her one day. there were also sad days. days i don't usually talk about. i don't really want to today. this day is hard enough without going there.

i was 17 when my mom died. my little sister, kelby- who i adore more than words can express- was 4. it was very hard to know that she would not be blessed to grow up with out mom. in many ways i tried to step in and be that person for her. in most ways it was a very natural transformation for us. we had always been really close. people always told me i would be "missing out" on certain experiences. 2 years ago i moved out of the house so that i could have all those experiences everyone talked about. eh. i hadn't really been missing much. ;) i was happier being there with her.

every year on her birthday, kelby receives cards from mom. when she was sick, she dictated to aunt debby, aunt kathi and myself of what she wanted to write in each card until kelby turns 18. they all went to the store and picked them out together. what an incredible woman.

in 2 months, i'll be moving back home to be kelby's momma once again. i could not be MORE excited. i can't wait to fill the role once again. i want to be an example of a Godly woman to her. i want to be as much like my mom as possible, so that she won't be getting the short end of the stick. "it takes a village to raise a child" is soooo true. i tell ya, if it weren't for the village, kel would not have turned out the same! so many people have stepped up in her life and i am so grateful to them forever. the bryan family in particular always took on a lot with her. i can't wait to spend more time with my aunt debby. she's been the closest thing to a mom i've had in the last 5+ years. i'm excited to have kelby get to know her better and know that she and mom were a lot alike. when i spend the day with aunt debby, suddenly my mom doesn't feel so far away. it's always so nice.

i just started reading "hinds feet on high places" for like the millionth time on sunday. i have not read it since my mom died. my aunt kathi, and maybe my aunt debby too, were reading it to my mom when she was sick. it was her favorite book. they didn't get to finish. it always made me feel sad so i didn't read it again after that. i sifted through my things the other day for it. it's her copy. i think i'm ready now. whenever i think about it, i think about my sister anna. it's something we would do.

i miss my mom every single day. sometimes i just sit and let my heart remember her. i usually cry when i do this, but that's okay. it's not always a sad sobbing cry- sometimes it's just a "fond memory" cry.

i don't wanna go on for too long so i'll keep this at what it is. i'll write more about my life these days in the days to follow, but i want today to stay about mom. sorry if it's all over the place.